Sex Shrink: How to impress in bed

Can you tell me how a gentleman one-ups a woman of staggering expertise, who believes herself to be the mother of sexual invention?

Image by Grace Vane Percy

The Sex Shrink says...

One could suggest a gentleman couldn't. But where's the kick in that? You fail to state the exact balance of your relationship: let us assume you play hard together and have the safe words and base-level trust really to mess things up; then let us be topical, and embrace the peculiar kink of vampires. The old-school, suck-your-heart-out undead, which have a strange place in the heart of millions of women. Stephen King believes the enduring appeal of vampires is that their night-time visitations are a re-enactment of the primal rape scene. While the word "rape" is wholly inappropriate for what we are discussing, which is consensual in every way, the idea of being apparently overpowered and used as a sexual toy is one of the most popular female fantasies. Even Meg Ryan's vanilla character in When Harry Met Sally dreams of a faceless guy ripping her clothes off.

Since you're playing with an expert, do this properly. Take her to Borgo Santo Pietro (at, a 13th-century hotel just south of Volterra in Tuscany (the region Stephenie Meyer chose as the ancestral home of Twilight's Volturi vampire clan). Dress her. None of the simpering white-maiden stuff. Instead, have a corset made exactly to her dimensions: send her measurements to the master corsetiers at Heresy, and order a fully steel-boned black-satin duchesse corset, with or without a cuff of feathers (£175. At Heresy). Perfectly bespoke, it will fit her like a glove. Have her wear a long skirt, then lace up the corset until she is doll-shaped, with a waspish, maiden waist: poised, perfect and fragile. At dusk, lead her to the Borgo's rose garden. By candlelight, pour her a glass of champagne. Even sipping wine in a tightly laced corset can be challenging; the lightness of her breath will make it soon go to her head. Abuse this, but also recognise that a scant glass or two will have ample effect.

Warn her that she has no power - she is completely at your whim. You, of course, will be wearing black, with a white shirt. Lead her upstairs to your four-poster bed and prop her head and torso on a heap of pillows. Take two black silk Pleasure Ties (£49.99. At Love Honey. At Fasten the silk around her wrists using the metal rings sewn into the fabric, then attach the other ends of the ties to the bed posts. Leave the French windows onto your balcony open.

How far you wish to follow the vampire charade is up to you, but the adhesive fangs that glue strongly to your teeth can be surprisingly arousing. Blindfold her, then kiss her neck before trailing your teeth against her throat. With a setting this good, the rest should come naturally. Only remember, if you venture too far into the world of BDSM, you will need to keep checking she is able to breathe adequately through her corset - if it is truly tight, loosen after 30 minutes - and make sure you apply as much care to bringing her back down to earth after as you do lifting her higher and higher through the night.

One caveat. It's not only men who get to be vampires. Early civilisations focus on fanged female demons, and in Roman mythology, Empusa - the blood-drinking daughter of Hecate - would turn herself into a young woman to seduce men before drinking their blood. There is every chance this chick will retaliate...

Original article published in GQ Magazine, in February, 2012

Related articles: